After the bendy bits.....onward to Yosemite

Admittedly there are few things in this vast country that will truly impress - especially of you've travelled a bit. I am now at 127 countries visited - so the dear old USA is up against some stiff competition.

But like the girl with the curl, when she's good she's very very good - and when she's bad she's horrid.

Yosemite is the best of the best - in a surprisingly sterile sort of way. The scenery is just unimaginable - it's fantasy stuff and so beautiful that it does take your breath away. A bit like Audrey Hepburn (best Belgian ever) and Archie Leach's (Cary Grant to you) love child- beauty with style.

Even though I'd heard that it would be dangerous - and I'd packed a kitchen knife to protect us from Hill Billies (have seen Deliverance)- we were quite safe - unlike in Oakland...

At Yosemite the wildlife is surprisingly absent - apart from the Chinese girl in pink flip flops - we saw a bird, a squirrel and a deer. No bears - which was OK - there were signs that "speed kills bears" which is probably true - they should stick to milder narcotics if you ask me.

In any event, the bears are scary BIG - and it's never been discovered if they are a separate species or not. You see, separate species cannot produce offspring - which is why all dogs are the same species - and can interbreed - even though a pekenese mounting a ridgeback is more amusing than scientifically interesting- it is true that they can if they want to.

The mystery of whether bears are a seperate species can be solved easily - Bears are so BIG that nothing in it's right mind - not even a drunken sailor on a Saturday night would fuck with a bear - especially one on speed. Bears are rare because even boy bears and girl bears are scared of each other.

We stayed at the Ahwanhee - which is the only hotel in the valley - and pretty impressive it was too - as was the bill. The food is average - the waiters surly - but it's easy to park and in the most beautiful spot on the planet - nearly. The charges are quite frankly mad - more mammals on speed work in the marketing department at the Ahwanhee than roam the countryside. THE queen stayed here with Phil in 1983 - I put THE in capitals because A queen could mean any number of people from the Castro - and SHE is a wonder and the only real one- the Dutch and Danes know that theirs aren't 'real' and will not be offended. The French, of course, killed all theirs - and the Americans all think they are God (or His Gift) or invent their own royalty, so they'll be fine too. I met the queen once - she smelled of roses and Phil smelled off olives and Charles wouldn't let me sniff him - obviously I'm not his type...

Where was I....Yosemite.

We went for a 'Hike' - this isn't really like hiking in the UK - it's more of a stroll with Starbucks - Hiking in the UK means struggling into a gale force headwind, surrounded by low cloud - all to a mediocre pub that serves fizzy beer and Chicken Kiev's.

Hiking here meant a gentle wander under perfect blue skies, in comfortable temperatures to picturesque mirror lake (Very imaginative name...see pic)- and back to the impeccably rustic if overpriced hotel.

Along the way you can look at the wildlife - marvel at the serious Hikers complete with all the kit that you can buy at "Outdoor World" and see the Chinese girl in the pink flip flops. You can also see fat people on bikes - though none had "I L*ve Cock" painted on crossbar like the girl on BART - you get a different class of weirdo at Yosemite - more upmarket and outdoorsy. They really loved the real log fires at the Ahwanhee - I don't think that they have ever seen a fire that isn't remote controlled and powered by methane.

We headed back via Richmond where a 15 year old girl had been gang raped for 2 hours at her school - now you see what I mean - when she's bad she's horrid.

So a great day - no bears, on speed or otherwise - but the scenery showed up - and to be honest that was more than enough.

Richard

Much is good....but more is better (The drive to Yosemite)

They like things simple over here, only having three rules for life -


Rule one, whatever you have - make sure it's the bigger than any one else's.
Rule two, if you can't have a big one - make sure that you have more of them than anyone else.
Rule three - make sue you put all your 'things' together in one place - it makes them easier to find - and also much easier to show off - which is the whole point

You see this everywhere - huge "malls" with the same selection of massive hyper stores - my own favorite are the car cities where dealerships the size Switzerland sell every model of car ever made.


The cars are all, obviously, crap - even the Japanese and European models as they have been localised - replacing the suspension with cotton wool and disconnecting the steering column from the wheels so that cornering is done with more luck than judgement.


Anyway this is no surprise - there are no corners and no roundabouts. Between San Francisco and Yosemite you can take the straightest road that was ever built - even though the Romans never got this far - straight and boring - the 132 goes on for hours - through cities like Modesto - which isn't modest at all and seems to have been disgorged by passing Aliens into the middle of a flat and desolate wasteland of almond trees and bugger all else.


There is no need for suspension or handling - it's a point and go kinda thing. But God - being smart, decided to put all the bendy bits together in one place (rules 2 and 3 above) and then put them all 3,000 feet up a mountain.


Without doubt this is the scariest piece of road ever designed - even though it is also probably the most beautiful.
The picture really doesn't do it justice, but there is that "oh my god" moment when you come round the first corner. It also adheres to the three rules (above) and explains why American cars don't "do" corners - they just don't have to unless you come to highway 49.

We stopped for gas (petrol - not intestinal wind) at Mariposa -funny little place that seems to be inhabited by 4x4 truck driving families called something like Earl and Pearl, with kids Chuck and Petals.

The 4x4 seems a really smart invention and, despite the fact that they would have their own post code in the UK - I don't understand why something so useful hasn't caught on "internationally" (IE outside the US)

So - much is good - more is better - and be sure you get to show off and brag about it by putting all the good stuff in one place - Highway 49 "respect"

Note from the passenger ........

Richard's description of this journey is accurate, however, it was written from the perspective of the driver ...... being the passenger/navigator was, how can I put it ......, THE MOST NERVE RACKING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!!!!!

My driver likes to navigate the roads by steering with one arm ..... doesn't he understand that God gave him two for a reason! As we began our 'scenic' drive, the hair-pin bends put me in a slight meditative mood .... this was quickly followed by nausea, and finally.... sheer terror. I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut, though my body was rigid, finger nails dug deep into the seat and my feet making little leaps as I tried in vain to reach that imaginary brake. So at last, whilst going round a 90 degree bend, with a 3000 foot drop (off of my side I might add!!), and the tyres screeching, I did let out a "Jesus Christ Richard!!" .....

It is very strange that I have thrown myself out of a perfectly good aircraft at 10000 feet, paraglided, and spent time in an active war zone without so much as breaking a sweat, but this particular experience left me with a racing heart rate and moist palms. I think it must be something to do with 'being in control' ..... and maybe having a driver that believes that two are better than one .......

Sally